i wish i could go back

i miss how everything used to be a little. (a lot).

i used to be so self-righteous, so self-reliant in so many ways. so ambitious. so driven. so clear with my drive in life. so sure of myself.

or maybe i just like to think that's how i used to be. i'm not sure. i remember i loathed myself. i couldn't even look in the mirror. i hunched over for years and it's fucked my back up, because i hated taking up any space, or anyone looking at me ever.

i mean, i've always despised myself, but i used to have a clearer belief that there was a real reason for my existence.

now i'm not so sure...

it just feels like every road i go down is a dead-end, and i can't fit into anywhere. it sounds romantic. it's not. outcasted people are really different than me. so are popular people. and 'normal' people. i'm just a strange little hybrid maybe. but in a really really lame way.

i kind of want to move away. up to the north, to yorkshire or something. or maybe up to wales, to one of their little towns. maybe down near the sea, like bournemouth or something. maybe i should go to scotland, edinburgh. maybe i should move to the countryside of ireland, cork or something.

I DON'T KNOW.

all i can think of right now is that film 'ghost world'. and how enid (thora birch) runs away at the end. and how similar her story is to mine in a lot of ways, except everything enid lost in a summer i lost over two years.

i'm at my second college and it sucks. it really does. i just know it's another dead end in my life. i have no hope of a job. i just don't have anything to stick around for, plainly.

i just want a new blank page. but i don't think it'll help me at all really.

i think i need to get the fuck over myself most of the time. haha.