they surpassed my expectations. i went crazy. i was gripping onto the pole, jumping. i sang my heart out. i screamed as loud as i could. i was so happy. so freakin happy. happiest i've been in years. it was ridiculous. and kind of sad. but no less true.
recently i've been feeling really depressed. i've covered it well i think. but i think these posts stand testimony to my state of mind. but i forgot it all last night. so eternally happy in the most beautiful fulfilled inspired way. courtney to me, represents life. the will to carry on living, and more than that, the DESIRE to do so. so many people live for others. including myself. that's the lesson i have learnt from her presence; i need to find a reason to live for me and not for others. i need to not want to choke cut overdose myself for myself and not for others. it's a simple revelation, but it's helping my psyche recover, i think. i hope.
she opened with 'pretty on the inside'. all i could think was everything she'd been through. i thought of hillcrest. i thought of the emotional abandonment by both her parents. i thought of her being all alone in a big world. i thought of her fighting tooth and nail to be listened to in the music business. i thought of her losing kurt. i thought of her descending into drugs. i thought of the crippling lonliness that i can recognize she's felt. i thought of losing her daughter. i thought of her contemplating suicide. i thought of her coming off the drugs. losing her daughter a second time. i thought of every bad thing i know that she's been through, and how ultimately lonely she must have felt at times, and how powerful she is. how powerful a persona she possess on that stage, to have so many people sing, scream, REALLY FEEL HER LYRICS instead of singing along to a catchy tune.
and i looked at her and i loved her. i loved that she kept fighting. i loved that she's still breathing. i love that so many things should have stopped her in her tracks. all the hard times she's battled through. the lack of security she's had in her life.
i need to start being alive. i need to devise a plan. i need to execute it. books can get me so far and really i teach myself the most when i read them. i need my life to be exciting instead of just my imagination. i need to move around the world and meet people and hate people and love people and develop interests and emotions and i need to go to the depths of hell and the heights and beauty of heaven. i need to constantly evolve into a new person. i need to develop myself. my sense of 'i'. i need to get out of this mind frame and i need to widen my experiences and not be intimidated by people. or not let people show that i am intimidated by them...
i'll extrovert myself more. i'll hone my skills to become a quiet extrovert. i'll devise something and i'll make something of myself. and i won't look down at people. because i don't really believe anything you do makes you better or worse than another person. it's all the same. we're all the same. it's all up to us. everything that restricts us is in our minds. it's not real. money isn't real. emotional attachment isn't real. nothing's real. it's all just in our minds. and we shouldn't let ourselves be held back from living, and i mean REALLY living, just because we're afraid of dying.
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