emoitonal nomad

i'm starting to think that nobody knows me and that i'm somewhat of an emotional nomad. i don't know. sometimes i feel like there's this monster that follows me and pokes little holes inside me. little holes of emptiness or undecipherable manner that frustrates me and depresses me. and these little holes go down to my bones. i don't know. maybe i'm trying to be poetic.

i'm not sure if i want to run and hide or stay and slowly build upon a foundation and make it into a life. i'm not sure who i am. i can't even recognize my voice when i speak. i don't recognize my reflection anymore. it looks different in different mediums. when i look at my arms with my raw eyes they look different to how they look in the mirror or in photographs or in different lights. i don't know. i'm starting to sometimes think i have about four people stuck inside me and my challenge in life is to make them all happy and feel listened to, and yet at the same time try and deafen them in my head because all they do is rip me to shreds emotionally, and sometimes physically.

i hold myself back a lot. i think it's the fear side of me. the side that's scared of rejection so would rather just not risk a damn thing because well it's just easier. it's a lot less daunting and scary. i think that's the side of me that has this paranoia. that thinks i have a brain tumor. yes i do believe it on some level and on another level i'm sure i'm just being paranoid. but i can't explain it. it's terrifying. i get headaches every day. people think i'm wanting attention, i'm not. i'm genuinely scared. i think it's the same part that can visually see all these ulcers i have up and down my throat and in my stomach that i cultivate through fear. fear of everything and everyone. fear of life. fear of death. fear of everything in between. fear that one day i'm going to have to attend a situation that makes me uncomfortable without a security blanket of a friend or some sense of familiarity, or without being intoxicated.

what i want i will never have. i don't want anything. i want everything. i don't know, ignore me. listen to me for once.

i am my own worst enemy. i'm sure of that. i need someone to save me from myself. i need to stop being so intensely selfish and become more self-reliant. i need to learn to not freak out at every little thing and stop thinking everything's about me. not every person hates me. not every person is affected by me. most people aren't. i'm just a little girl without much to do or say and a lot of fear and yet a lot of hope.

"your room is not your prison. you are your prison." - sylvia plath