whatamidoing

'hey sarah, you got much planned for tomorrow?'
'no dad. i'm just gonna sit at home and die slowly.'
'... see you in the morning.'

i don't want to be like everyone else. i'm not like everyone else. i don't care about things they care about. i can't relate to them on topics they care about. i worry about different things. i think about different things. i want to crawl into a ball and cry my eyes out if it'd help me in any way shape or form but it just won't it just won't.

i don't know. maybe i'm getting depressed again. i'm always on the edge of some fucking mental breakdown it's so tiring so extremelly tiring.

i want security. i want life to pick up its pace a little. a lot. i want to stick around. i want to run.

i want people to ask me about my life and think it reads like a book. i want to actually write books but not live in my books. i want happy balances happy mediums.

i want to go back to when i was thinner. i want to go back to when i was lonely but that was okay because the world was a hand full of prospects and my future didn't seem to close in on me like a dark road without lights.

i just looked at doing a course in the army. that's testimony to how lost i feel at this very moment. i feel like kurt cobain when the army man came to his fathers home to preach to him, and "to everyone's surprise, kurt listened". and he later told his friend that although it was hell, "it was hell with a different zip code". (yes i did just type them from memory.)

i know people that thought they needed to get away grow up a bit and went into full-time work, and now they hate it. i know people that stayed in college and hated it. i know people i know people BUT I DON'T KNOW ME.

apparently it's 12.21am. i feel like a raving psychopath. a real lunatic. i want to go outside tomorrow and read in the sun but i won't because i'm scared to.

i want things to happen in my life. big exciting movements in time. i want to feel like i'm not sitting around waiting for things to happen, i want to feel like i'm on top of the world at some points instead of feeling so fucking perpetuated. i want life to hit me like a truck. i want to feel it all. i want to risk and i want i want i want.