i feel like a big ball'a crazy.

everytime someone sends me a message or something i instantaneously think that it's going to be cruel words. i think everyone secretly hates me. it's really tiring and frustrating, because even when logically i can figure out that someone doesn't hate me i still have that paranoia etching itself into my skin. it scares me utterly & completely.

i don't know what to do anymore. it's the week off college. that's a week everyone looks forward to. and it's torture for me. i guess that's because i have no life. and as hard as that is for me to admit it's also very true. i just don't have anyone that cares about me a hundred percent. and the few that do care about me, i'm either too shy or too nervous to really try my hardest with. so i don't know, i guess i'm kind of stuck here in the middle with nothing or nobody and sometimes that's okay. sometimes i like to be alone. i like it more than most. but i like it to be broken up by meeting up with people. but, like i said, people don't hate me, but i'm just not that important to anyone i guess.

i'm going to see hole tomorrow. they're my favourite band (well, joint with nirvana). they have been since i was fifteen. i remember all the nights i swore i'd swap anything, ANYTHING to be close to courtney love. to me, she is just the definition of life. of risking things. of living through things. of intellect and everything beautiful. i'm sure i sound like her stalker, but i utterly adore her. and it's the night before the concert. i'm trying to decide how to wear my hair and what dress to wear and if my accessories go with it and if i need to buy anything tomorrow, and i can't just smile. i can't smile & be happy & thankful. it's awful. i feel awful.

i'm looking forward to tomorrow in some way. but not in the way i want to be. i'm looking forward to getting the train to london on my own. and i'm going to buy myself some cigarettes and i'm going to walk around the streets of london smoking in my dress & i'm going to walk past hundreds of people & i'm going to smile at them all & look up to the sky & keep smoking & walking & chatting offhandidly with my brother. & then we're gonna stop off at some shop & we'll buy ourselves some food & drink & i'll want a diet coke. & maybe we'll get chocolate bars or maybe we'll get hot savoury food & we'll walk past more people. & then the sun will start to fall & we'll go back to the tube & we'll go to the concert & maybe we'll smoke outside & i'll spray myself with spray & i'll chew my mints so the smell doesn't stick to me. & then we'll go inside & it'll be full of people but i'll be alright. & we'll wait politely as the supporting band come on & people will push & shove me, but it'll be okay. & then hole will come on & it'll be transcendingly beautiful. & when they're done i'll hopefully meet my friend from the internet & then we'll part & me & my brother will walk back to the tube & then to kings cross & then we'll walk back to his flat, & it'll be night, & we'll probably smoke again. & then we'll get back to his & he'll say he needs to go to sleep & i'll say 'okay', & i'll lay down on my fold-out bed & i'll think about everything that happened that night. & then in the morning i'll have to get up with him & his flatmate & i'll have to come home & i'll find a way to hide the cigarettes (maybe i'll leave them at his). & it'll all be over. & i'll have a bath in the morning & my parents will ask how it was & i'll smile & reply "great".

i don't know what i'm doing anymore. with my mind or my life. i know i'm different from the old me. i know i'm estranged from most people. i know i have barely any good relationships with people.

i think i'm going to flip a coin. & decide if i'm going to do a college course that will end soon & get me a job, or a better chance of getting a job than the one i'm doing now will. either that or i'll stay on at my college & just see what happens to me after that...

i'll flip the coin on thursday. during the day, maybe.