running away

maybe i will do it. i don't know. i keep romanticizing the idea in my head. whilst, at the same time, being completely crippling-ly terrified by the idea & the fact that i'm even contemplating it...

i just need a huge change in me. i just need life to take off for me.

i want to write books for the rest of my life. for the whole of my forever. but i don't want that to be all that i have. i don't want to be that writer that didn't have a personality and never got much done in her actual life because she was too busy creating things with her imagination.

i want my life to read like a book, too. i want to be able to write about everything i've experienced and put it in a form that every reader feels like they can relate to. i want people to read my book, research me and see more than 'sarah barton attended this college, then went on to this university. she has some notoriety as a hermit recluse, and has had staggeringly low relationships with people. most critics attribute this to her misanthropy, as displayed prominently, in her writing.'

i want to change my name. i like the idea of being called anne wilding. it's soft. it's kind of poetic. i need a name that sounds and looks beautiful. like sylvia plath. when i think of sylvia plath (the words) and close my eyes, i see silver, i see pale blue moons, i see trickling water... it rolls off the tongue, 'sylvia plath'. 'sarah barton', it's too aggressive. too many r's. plus the 'rt' gives in a masculine tone. anne wilding. when i say anne wilding i think of pasley skirts and sun-shine and i think of the forest and that earth smell. all things i'd like my name to be associated with.