i'm rather insular

i'm rather a lot insular, to be honest.

i don't know. some of my favourite ever things are things i can only experience on my own. like when i crawl into bed & hide under my covers, & look out my netted windows at the condensation on my window, & the way the orange light lights up each drop making it look like a sunspot shining on me. or when i simply close my eyes & just let my head think, & not have to worry about how i'm standing or walking or looking or acting but just let me be in my head. or when i lay on floors & crawl up & i can smell my perfume on my skin & my eyelashes are tickling my arms & my legs are out-streched & my toes curl & my body is just warm & i just feel this overwhelming contentment.

a lot of the time i think i see things differently to a lot of people. i like to crawl on the floor & look my dog in her eyes & try & see if i can find anything in there. or i like to lay on the floor & look at dust. or i like to stand on things and look at the top. or just see things from different angles.

i secretly think that in my past life i was a camera. but i don't know. i'm far too attached to humanity.

i love people. honestly & truely. i love watching them. i love figuring them out. i love understanding them on deep levels. but mostly they scare me. & i feel like they connect on ways that i can't understand. like they all laugh at jokes i just don't get & it gives my heart flutters & my eyes twitch & my hands play with themselves & i just want to be on my own & away from it all.

i don't notice a lot of things people do, though. people talk about how certain people do these kind of things when they're doing certain things, or how they speak, or how they walk, but i think my mind is far too consumed in self-consciousness to ever deal with that. my mind is worrying about all these things that i do...

a woman that lives across the road from me works at the same store that i do. she tried to have a bit of a gossip with me when i first started & i think she was taken aback by how lame my brain is. i didn't see her have a fight with another woman on my street. i didn't know that she & her neighbours fueded. to be honest i'd never even seen her until i started working with her & she introduced herself...

i always thought this was a quiet street. apparently not.

i'm just a quiet girl, with rose-tinted glasses, obviously. with my head in a book all the time & staring off into space.