i fear fear

i really want to know when it was that i became such a nervous person.

it feels like all i can do anymore is have this horrible fluttering feeling in my stomache, an ominous overcast of something bad coming. and even though i know nothing's going to happen it won't go away.

i just worry that nothing's going to get better i guess. i worry that i'm gonna be stuck like this forever. stuck indoors, scared to go outside a lot because i worry about meeting people that i know but haven't seen in so long, and it's always really awkward.

i think i need to move out of here really badly. i want to move somewhere where there's more open space and foilage, and where people are friendly but not obtrusive, and there are no nightclubs but there are friendly pubs, and everything's within walking distance, and animals run around and there are farms and things are natural.

i think i'm just scared of how everything is. i'm gripping onto everything because i'm scared that i'll be left with nothing. i hate closing myself off from situations because i know that deep down all i want to do is tear away from people and be on my own, even though that's the worse thing in the world for me. i'm such a paradox.

i'm regressing in every which way. when i was little i used to eat as much as i could to try and fill some lonliness. to try and falter some flutter of my heart. and i keep doing it again. i'm not eating obsessively, just indulgently. and i really hate it. i need to pull myself together. and quickly.

i don't really know why i'm writing this to be honest. i allocated myself some time today to force myself to write and i just can't. i can't write any fiction right now. i really hope that this is just a one-off and not another creative dry-patch because nothing's going right as of right now and i can't help but feel i'm barely gripping onto everything with bloody fingertips.