nostalgia.

i wish i could go back to year eleven. around about may or april or something.

every lunch i used to go to my best friends house and we'd melt chocolate and put rice crispies in it, or we'd go back to mine and eat jam on toast. we never had to hang around with the people we didn't want to anymore because we were year eleven and that meant you could leave the school at lunch times.

i used to have five lessons free a week to go home and do whatever i wanted in them. and because my english teacher left, and the subsitute was shit, my parents wouldn't care if i told them i wasn't going into english and sat at home and taught myself instead.

and i remember walking back to school and seeing my friends that did art (which was the first exam) and they were walking away saying "we're going to go sit on a field, art's finished now so we don't have to go back for it."

and i remember sitting on the field with some friends before our science exam, we all sat there chatting and not really apprehensive at all.

and we only really had to go in for exams and my friends would say "we're not going into maths today, want to go to the field?" and we would. and we all revised at home and we all passed.

and nothing seemed to matter much anymore, because we were all free. we all knew we had a month or so and then it'd be over. compulsory schooling would be over for all of us, and we'd all made it.

and so we could turn up late and nobody would really care, or we'd not turn up at all and nobody would care, or we'd refuse to do things and nobody could do anything about it. and we all thought "yeah this is our life now". and we all felt like we'd finally grown up.

and then we had our summer to do whatever we wanted in. and i didn't go to prom because i didn't want to. and we met up in the summer and we had parties and we got drunk. and we all felt happy and like we were finally doing things we wanted to do.

and we got our results and we were happy with what we got.

but then it all just sort of... deflated. for me, at least. i just started questioning what was worth it; after i'd just left that schooling environment, why would i want to go straight back into it to break my back for two years trying to achieve "a-levels"? it seemed stupid. it seemed going against the idea of our newfound freedom.

and my friends agreed with me (sortof). but nobody else did anything. and i went to college like everyone else thinking "am i free? or am i just in another box?"

and i used to stare out the windows in psychology and law and look at all the little people doing their jobs and i just thought "why?" what was the point? did it make them happy? did they feel free? why did everyone put themselves in these little boxes?

and so i purposely flunked my exams so i could be free again. they basically said i had to leave law, and if i had to leave law, i was no longer a full-time student, and i was sortof probationary for psychology, and i was doing well at english but i didn't want to be in that stupid room with that stupid teacher spouting thoughts she'd picked up from text-books. she never had a singular thought of her own, and that drove me crazy. what drove me even more crazy, was the fact that everyone in the class saw her as a saint, a genius, when i thought she was just a phony. i literally loathed her and spent all my time in her class wishing for the courage to stand up and walk out.

and then i sat at home for nine months "free" and horrifically unhappy/uncreative. blah blah blah.

i just wish i could go back to that time when things seemed hopeful, i guess. now things seem sortof... "lesser of two evils". that's my feeble attempt at articulation. i hope for your sake you stopped reading half-way through. or before.

i dont feel so crazy

when i feel like i have a purpose.

i love listening to music and writing. even if the music is too loud and the writing is crappy. i like flirting with guys even if i'm not 100% sure that it's going to lead to something that's worth anything. i love learning new things even though i think it makes me more crazy. i love baths even though they're pointless.

lonliness.

mostly i think everybody in the world is totally alone. i mean, you never share yourself a hundred percent with anyone else. so therefore, you're alone. right? i don't know. i think i'm half terrified of everyone else. and the other half is split 50/50 with love and hatred for them. i'm far too compassionate so it's hard for me to be around people sometimes.

non-human things are the best things in the world probably. but humans also keep me grounded and make me feel a lot less of a freak than i am.

i'm going to change myself i think. i think i want to be two people. to have two different forms of existence. i almost want to have two bodies to control, and lead them down two completely adjacent paths. it's crazy! i don't think i'm going to be alive for all that long. when everything gets hopeless and stale to the point where i can't take it anymore i'll go. it may be 25 years, it may be 30, may be 40-odd. who knows. i just know it's going to happen!

i'm a solopsist. i just don't really believe anything's real ultimately. this isn't my first nor my last form of existence. i just feel apart from everything. i just repeat myself all the time. i'm just so boring! it's okay though. my brain can handle it for now.

my emotions can handle it, i should say. (and again, i should say, FOR NOW!)

i don't think i want to have babies. they scare me so much.

i think i'll keep this secret

not secret so much as 'private'. i don't know. i keep getting too hett up about how i appear to people when i write. i think sometimes i over-compensate for my lack of articulation with contrived little quotes or notions, and, i do that all the time, this is like my little oasis. almost away from myself. oh GOD if only there were some way i could avoid myself. i'm sure it'd make my life easier. tenfold easier.

smoking cigarettes, for me, is fabulous. i like drinking when i'm with people i don't know so i can relax and meet them. i like smoking weed when i'm with my brother because i trust him and that way i won't feel weird or paranoid. i like smoking cigarettes on my own. i think it makes the world a little better. a little bit easier to deal with.

i wonder if i really enjoy spending time on my own. i think sometimes it's my favourite thing. i think sometimes it's abhorrent... maybe that's what i think about me, too. sometimes i'm my favourite person. sometimes i'm my worst enemy. maybe it's just that paradox thing that stalks me. that i have my own little torrid love afair with.




courtney love, i know that i'm straight, and that you're a bit a lot older than me, but can we marry despite this? i'm pretty sure our love would suprass everyone elses fake immitation. we would be so perfect for one another <3

tomorrowtomorrowtomorrowtomorrow

things i want:

i want to live somewhere not here. i want to frequent pubs and clubs and have friends that know me and will have fun with me and we will look out for one another. i want a job that pays okay. i want to be writing forever and i hope that someone will pick up my writing and pay me for that, possibly so that i don't have to have a regular job anymore. i want an endless supply of books in my flat. i want to not feel lonely but equally to have my alone time. i want a lifetime supply of diet coke in my fridge and to live near a bakery and a green grocers. i want to wear skirts and dresses every single day. i want to wear lipstick and eye-shaddow and mascara and foundation every single day, like a mask. i want to smoke malborough reds. i want to have friends that play music and friends that write stories. i want to have tattoos and i want to have connections. i want for someone to think of me as a muse or an inspiration. i want to have a say but i don't want to be famous. i want to stop biding my time and just be.

wow. what the fuck.

woah. it seems like everything in my life is pointing toward a certain direction. and i don't want to take that direction... it's almost like every practical aspect of my life is pointing toward it, and every artistic aspect is pointing the opposite fucking direction.

i mean - the direction that i feel i am being persuaded to go to - i will get money from, and probably a job at the end of it, a job that would most probably fit in with my personality quite well.

the direction, or rather, the no direction of staying afloat and drifting between the proximities of where i am now, wants me to stay here because ... going away doesn't feel right.

when i watched 'into the wild', he read a passage in a book, and in there it said, to paraphrase it,
'the secret of happiness is thus; to do a job one feels is worth something, to have a small group of friends, to give yourself alone time and indulge yourself in your hobbies.'



let me tell you what i do know: i certainly feel as though i know that nobody's really there for me anymore. like a hundred percent. i cultivate friendships but under tension they snap like fragile twigs. and then it seems that i have aquantances and not friendships. and that would be okay if i had some strong bonds that i could rely upon. but i don't feel as though i do have that. it's difficult for me to admit that i feel like my existence is this much of a mess because i definitely believe in solopsism, and therefore i should feel as though my life is my own fate, but i find it hard to believe sometimes. when i walk in the green and i watch as all the animals co-exist with one another i find it hard to believe in my, afore-claimed significance in this world. or rather, my significance in creating this world. i am not an artist. is my imagination that vast that i could assign each thing a touch, a smell, a word? or is that an act of narcassism in its truest form?

I AM SO FRUSTRATED WITH EVERYONE

i think it's something to do with me projecting my self-loathing onto them and their actions. I DON'T KNOW. ALL I KNOW, IS I HATE EVERYONE TODAY.

i'm just filled to the FUCKING BRIM with anger and depression. If i'm not on the brink of tears i'm digging my nails into my skin. FUCK I HATE EVERYTHING.

i need to get outta here so bad. SO BAD. i want to move away. i don't know where to. i don't know what i'll do. I JUST NEED A FRESH START. i need everything yet nothing. i need just for the world to stop for two seconds. i need to stop having people articulate or intellectualize /actualize my emotions and just let me BE FUCKING EMOTIONAL OKAY???

i know i'm so cliche, so so cliche, but people just don't understand me, okay??? They don't. i'm an entity. you haven't felt/experienced every emotion running through my veins. DON'T TELL ME I'M LIKE YOU I CAN BE MY OWN PERSON, TOO.